??Why??

??WHY??

That is the question I ask....after having spent a good majority of Sunday night in the Emergency Room. One of my dearest friends/sisters hit the bottom of her barrel and tried to take herself out of this life-that is the small part of the issue. There is a bigger part to the issue at hand called Alcoholism and drinking lead to her "blacking out" NOT "passing out" and while she can not remember many of the events that unfolded Sunday afternoon they are forever burned in my memory as well as 3 others. Seeing one of your best friends unconscious, lying on the floor with the equipment from the ambulance scattered around her, seeing her shirt covered in her partners blood because her partner got cut while struggling to pull the knife out of her hands before she could hurt herself and then hearing she doesn't remember is a scary thing. Scarier though is to hear this friend say "I am jealous others get to get out of this life and not deal with the shit." I'm sorry but WHAT THE F*CK!?!?! I don't care who you are or what you've done YOU are needed here in this life by someone! My friend has beautiful children that NEED their Mama, she has brothers and sisters that need her, parents that need her, friends that need her and besides people that need her people these same people love her and would go to the ends of the earth for her!

I watch and hear on a daily basis as 2 of my cousin's (both chose to leave this world for their own sad, selfish reasons) children struggle everyday to survive in this world with 1 parent permanently ripped from their lives, I watch a teenage girl struggle at learning to become a confident beautiful woman in a house full of boys, I watch a teenage boy struggle with out the soft warmth a mommy gives in the same house full of boys. On the flip side I still hear a 6 year old sobbing at his daddy's funeral he has no understanding as to why his Dad is gone, he just knows he is gone and NEVER coming back....Never to sit at another soccer game, horse show, school play, high school graduation, wedding or birth of a grandchild. As a mommy I could never dream of PURPOSELY ruining those days in Hannah's life by taking my own life. I have watched my parents struggle through the loss of my brother due to a motorcycle accident - The pain they carry every day is real I can't begin to imagine how much worse it would be had he taken his own life. I have watched over the last month as my Aunt and Uncle STRUGGLE every moment to understand WHY their son chose to take his own life knowing that they will never be able to answer that question in this lifetime.

Please remeber there is someone in this world that LOVES and NEEDS you more than you can ever know or more than they can ever express to you. Reach for their hand because it is ALWAYS extended for you to grab hold of and they will help pull you out!!!